It's Time for the Ellies!

Tonight, the American Society of Magazine Editors (ASME) hosted its presumably swank National Magazine Awards ceremony (the aforementioned "Ellies") at Lincoln Center. For all twelve of you out there who care, you can find a full list of the winners over at the ASME site.

For those who don't care, just know that Foreign Policy magazine (this magazine does, apparently, exist) beat out Time Out New York, Mother Jones, Paste, and Los Angeles. Oh, and Field and Stream beat The New Yorker. Look, ASME. There's a difference between "Giving The New Yorker Every ASME Award Possible" and "Completely Ignoring Quality Publications Just to Break the Mold." I mean, really. Reader's Digest? That shit has not been relevant since about 1973.

Sumner Redstone Lays the Smackdown On...Everyone

I think Sumner Redstone just beat out (Not) Ben Sylverman as my favorite entertainment exec. The Hollywood Reporter gathered a bunch of quotes from him from his appearance on Larry King and some other even in LA.

The best ones are:

"CSI will beat the hell out of [Leno]."

"I'm not going to die. I'm going to live forever." (He's 86, so he just might.)

I mean, he's completely right about Leno going down. Old people (and my parents) love their CSI. But is this how you get to be a hojillionaire? That sort of confidence is almost enviable. And it's not like he's spouting off about how The Unit is going to change the ratings landscape. He's got his sure bets (Paramount will probably have a really good year), and he's not afraid to rub them in your face.

Wilco the Blog Post

I won't say I've been "anxiously" awaiting word on what the next Wilco album (coming out in late June, apparently) will be called, because I've got many anxiety-inducing things going on in my life and an album name is not really up high on that list. I will say I was "eager" to hear, though.

Well, now word is that it'll be called "Wilco (The Album)". It's clever, what with there being a track called Wilco The Song on it and all, but I'm just a teensy, tiny bit disappointed. I mean, check out the track listing (in order, according to the band's site):

Wilco The Song
Deeper Down
One Wing
Bull Black Nova
You And I
You Never Know
Country Disappeared
Solitaire
I'll Fight
Sunny Feeling
Everlasting

"Bull Black Nova" is a totally boss song name. The album name is still cool, but...eh.

Anyway, I absolutely cannot fucking wait for this to drop, if only because "You and I" is going to be the greatest song of all time. Jeff Tweedy + Feist? I don't think it gets any better than that. Oh, and when they played "Wilco The Song" on The Colbert Report, I greedily lapped it up. Late June, where are you?

On Transgenesis

I didn't particularly enjoy last Tuesday's Fringe (I thoroughly enjoyed this week's ep, though). Fringe, like all Jaybrams shows, requires a lot of suspension of disbelief. (Yes, even Felicity; they had that fucking Time Warp thing in the last season.) But there are some things that are just too goddamn out there to take. On this list you'll find transgenesis.

Transgenesis in and of itself isn't unbelievable--researchers have been doing it for a while now. Take a gene out, put one in from a different source, blah blah DNA-cakes. But actually making some sort of chimera? No. No, no, no. There is a reason these beings are mythical, people. But if you're going to go all mythical, don't just go for broke. What's wrong with starting with, like, a unicorn? That's more realistic. ("More" being a relative term, here.)

Of course, now that I've roundly dismissed the possibility of a "frankenrhino" (as Pacey called the creature in the show), I find out they're making fluorescent puppies.

I'm not really a militant animal rights activist. I eat meat. I eat meat from fast-food restaurants that probably treat their cows horribly before slaughtering them in an inhumane fashion. This is because, when you have no money, you cannot afford to buy free-range bison steaks from those guys in Union Square. You can afford one McChicken sandwich off the Dollar Value Menu.

But this just doesn't sit well with me. I know, I know, you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette (or cure cancer), but...Puppies. Cloning. Can't we stick to cloning rats?

Don't shit where you eat

That's a fairly common aphorism, no?

Apparently not in Taiwan.

(Suddenly, I want some Tasti-D-Lite. Does that make me gross?)

On Eerie Similarities

So, back in October, while still in the delightful EW cocoon, I had an idea for a sort of JJ Abrams checklist. I noticed how ridiculously similar Fringe was to the rest of the Jaybrams oeuvre, pitched it, and got it. The list of similarities I came up with was pretty extensive, but of course, what with the limitations of print space, only a few categories saw the light of day. That box was my first byline in EW, so I remember it well. It looks stupid in its online form, but whatever.

Two minutes ago, I go to check out Television Without Pity (as you do). And I see...this.

I know, I know. It's not the exact same thing. TWoP's is focused on characters (and has more errors--Peter Bishop isn't actually an MIT grad, guys; his degree is fake), but...I still feel a little ripped off. It's almost like TWoP's slideshow is...Fringe...and my box is...Alias ZOMG SO META.

Anyway, I just thought I'd point that out.

Nein!

I've been obsessed with 9 since I first saw the trailer.

I even tried to pitch a feature on it, since the story behind the movie is fascinating. I mean, think about it: This nobody director (Shane Acker--no offense intended) makes a CGI short film called 9 back in 2005--it actually premiered four years ago today, at the Indianapolis International Film Festival. It gets nominated for an Oscar. Tim Burton and Timur Bekmambetov (two Tims, no waiting!) scoop it up and have Acker turn it into a feature-length cinematic experience with lots of famous people doing the characters' voices. How often does something like that happen?

The short is definitely worth watching; haunting and ever-so-slightly uplifting at the same time:


And now MTV's got its hands on two minutes of footage from the movie. Is it September yet?

God bless Funny or Die

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Jack Bauer...in 1066

No, seriously. From Publishers Marketplace:


"James Wilde's HEREWARD, about a medieval Jack Bauer, single-handedly beating back the enemy in this brutal novel of war and revenge set in England during the Norman Conquest: rivers run red, disease stalks the land, and ancient prophecies fall into place - it is a time of ghosts, curses, demon-dogs and angels: a time for heroes, THE DEVIL'S ARMY, and END OF DAYS."

I suddenly can't wait for Spring of 2011.

On The Half-Blood Prince

First of all, I know you just said you were streaming it, Hulu, but...some of us were watching The Office at 9 p.m. EDT, and waited until the commercial break. So, that was sort of a dick move. "WATCH IT HERE SO EXCITING ZOMG WE'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO TAKE DOWN THE 'WATCH THIS NOW' MARQUEE!" Lame.

As for the trailer itself, well:

This is going to be the most awesome movie ever since Iron Man. (I loved that movie with an unhealthy, greedy love.) While I still have a few doubts about various little things (shut up, Fairy Voldemort*), visually, it looks like it'll be fantastic. Draco looks appropriately haggard and sickly, "Groovy" Dumbledore is always awesome, and the Inferi are apparently Smeagol clones.

*I don't mean Voldemort is gay, I mean he literally behaves like a fairy, flitting about and talking in that completely unmenacing voice that completely ruins the entire experience for me. Seriously, all Ralph Fiennes had to do was talk like he did in Red Dragon or something, and it would have been great. Oh, and not move around like a mythical female bug thing. Sigh.

Don't eff with an effer, Hulu

EPIC FUCKING FAIL, HULU. WHERE IS MY TRAILER?

On Dick Armies

There really isn't anything I can add here that'll be better than this:

"The Phone"?

What the what?!

Whilst tearing through Friday Night Lights on Hulu (yeah, yeah, I know I'm late to the party, but I like doing things on my own time), these ads for MTV's new reality...thing...keep playing. Is it just me, or does this look absolutely ridiculous in a really bad way?

Shut up, MTV.

On Midtown

Thoughts on a morning stroll through midtown today:

• I'm used to spring being winter-lite in Chicago, but isn't New York supposed to be warmer than 34 degrees in the middle of April?
  
• Everyone coming out of Grand Central during rush hour looks absolutely miserable. I'd love to see those "Free Hugs!" people from Union Square try out their schtick in Grand Central. Best case scenario: Grouchy commuters become less grouchy. "Worst" case scenario: Someone gets punched in the face. There is no bad here.
  
• Wearing absurdly tall heels and then walking from 40th and 5th to 60th and 3rd is not, perhaps, the best idea. Not a bad workout, though.
  
• If you are a potential employer, why would you ask a potential employee to bring her resume and then make her fill out a six-page application in which you list all the information on your resume? Is this not horribly inefficient?
  
• I officially crossed the line into Grammar Nazi territory when I actually erased an erroneous apostrophe from a sidewalk sign. Though in my defense, it was fairly egregious: "New Yorker's Don't Like Waiting!" I don't have a "Don't Like Waiting;" do you, bitch?
  
• Since when is breakfast over at 10 a.m.? I call bullshit.
  

New Word!

Thank you, MTA, for bringing scratchiti into my daily vocabulary.

On Egregious Advertorials

So, you think Ben Silverman will give this Adam Stotsky guy his own set of chimes? Maybe one of Silvertooth's cubs?

(Seriously, though. "Today's consumer is sophisticated enough to pick up on these things"? What consumers have you been talking to? Because the last time I checked, there were a whole lot of stupid people running around in this world. People are, by and large, dumb. Take a look at the ratings for Two and a Half Men and compare them to those for 30 Rock, then talk about how "sophisticated" consumers are today.)

On Privileged Children

Okay. It is one thing to take a fictional world (i.e. Gossip Girl's UES; The O.C.'s...Orange County) and turn it into a reality series (MTV's Laguna Beach; and now, apparently, Bravo's NYC Prep). It is an entirely different thing to make your reality show the exact same thing as its fictional counterpart, which is precisely what they're doing on NYC Prep. No, seriously. Look at the bios.

(Side note: How stupid a name is that? You really couldn't come up with anything better, Bravo? I know The City was taken and all, but sheesh.)

My love for GG is well-documented. But this love mostly stems from the intricate plot threads that (...usually) weave together seamlessly, and from the well-developed characters. I mean, I'm starting to develop neutral feelings for Vanessa Abrams. Vanessa. Fucking. Abrams. And that is happening because the writers are making it happen. In real life, you don't often see those layers, and people don't generally change that much. The date-rapists don't evolve into caring monogamists over the course of just a few weeks; nice girls from Brooklyn don't throw yogurt at people's heads. (Okay, actually, that last one does happen in real life.)

So, the trouble you run into with a reality show--especially one where all your players are essentially ripoffs of characters on a drama--is that there is no reason to watch your show. Odds are these people are boring, and what drama they do have is probably not interesting enough to hold someone's attention for an entire half hour. So what you'll probably do is construct various situations for your cast which will be (marginally) more enthralling. However, they will not be nearly as well-written or engaging as the plotlines on the counterpart's show, so the audience will say, "Why am I not just re-watching season one of Gossip Girl?" and you will fail. (Hopefully.) Granted, it's not hard to top GG in the ratings, but still...What the fuck, Bravo?

Kings: For Whom the Chimes Toll

Well, NBC (SYLVERMAN!) has officially pulled Kings from Sunday nights. And replaced it with another hour of Dateline. Yeouch.

As though to pour a giant container of salt in this wound, NBC is going to run out the show's clock ("Hey, you got your football terminology in my TV commentary!") on Saturday nights, which is pretty cold. I wonder if Ben Silverman has a special dirge he plays on his chimes when he kills a show.

Granted, I didn't like Kings. Critics seemed to receive it well enough, but for me, it was all just too goddamn heavy-handed. Your protagonist's name is David Shepherd? And he's the son of Jess(i)e? And then he destroys a tank called the Goliath. OKAY. We. Get. It. At some point it stops being a Biblical allusion and turns into an overwrought Sunday school lesson. Also, apparently everyone loved Ian McShane's performance, but all I saw was some intense scenery-chewing.

(To be fair, I did like the "gay Crown Prince" plot, and not just because I love Sebastian Stan. It was a ten times more poignant than any other storyline on the show.)

So, what's next on the chopping block over at 30 Rock? My guess is Southland.

Hey, CW? Can you just mosey on over here for a sec? We need to talk.

Look, we all know you've had it pretty rough the last couple years, what with just being created and all. And it's not like you inherited any ratings giants (when Cuidado Con El Angel is outperforming your shows, you know you're in trouble). But I think it's high time you embraced your status as a niche network. A niche network for teens (and "grown-ups" like me who still have that adolescent mindset). Granted, the "revival" of 90210 is both a critical and ratings failure, but everyone seems to have high hopes for the Melrose Place revival, and Gossip Girl is truly transcendent.

However, like a couple other nets with shows that tend toward niche audiences (Fringe being the first one that comes to mind), you have fucked up intensely in your scheduling. I know things have been weird this year. February sweeps got moved, and you started your shows incredibly early.

I also know nets are panicking about having to have fresh programming all the time. So I get why you premiered your key shows so far ahead of everyone else. But for the love of God, stop fucking up the momentum of your shows.

There are shows with which you can get away with that sort of thing. But serial dramas? Momentum with those is meant to build up over the course of an entire season. This is why the first season of Veronica Mars was so fantastic--besides a few "mystery of the week" eps, everything built to this wonderful climax at the end of the season. But when you put Gossip Girl on hiatus for months at a time, then show three new eps, then put it on hiatus for another month before showing the last couple eps? That ruins the effect considerably. I can't believe I'm actually writing these words, but...Try taking a page out of Fox's book. (I know, I know.) Instead of dragging your shows out over a nine-month period, just run everything straight through. 22 episodes all at once.

Boom. You are welcome.

The Ocho

I love reading stories about Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco. Seeing a phrase like "According to Ocho Cinco's contract" never fails to bring a smile to my face.

In Defense of Boys

...My Boys, that is.

(No, this isn't an April Fool's joke.)

Normally I'm the first person to dismiss these stupid basic-cable sitcoms. Hell, I'm usually the first person to dismiss all sitcoms. (Pipe down, HIMYM people.) But I love My Boys. There. I've said it. I feel like Starbuck and Apollo that night on New Caprica.

I won't say it's perfect. Last night's ep suffered from a few groan-worthy running gags (though personally I found the idea of a mustache contest to be both realistic and hilarious), and sometimes PJ's VO's fall flatter than any Gossip Girl punnery could.

And I will admit that half my love probably stems from the fact that the show is based in Chicago, my favoritest city in the entire universe. (Suck it, New York.) It's kind of like Chicago porn, really. You've got Cubs references, shots of the loop and the river (those Yankee Hotel Foxtrot buildings!), an Old Town setting. It's comforting.

The dialogue's not half bad, either. And it's refreshing to see a sort-of tomboy who can actually adapt and function in adult society. So often we only see girls who are too much like "one of the boys," and they never get any guys and are relegated to perpetual friend status. And they only ever wear dude-like clothes. Here, PJ has a girl bestie, dresses up occasionally and goes on dates, drinks and plays poker with her boys, and balances it all with grace and charm.

Basically, it gives all of us non-Conde-Nast-like women hope. Except instead of sports, I'm into LotR. It's...almost the same? Sort of?