Jack Bauer...in 1066

No, seriously. From Publishers Marketplace:


"James Wilde's HEREWARD, about a medieval Jack Bauer, single-handedly beating back the enemy in this brutal novel of war and revenge set in England during the Norman Conquest: rivers run red, disease stalks the land, and ancient prophecies fall into place - it is a time of ghosts, curses, demon-dogs and angels: a time for heroes, THE DEVIL'S ARMY, and END OF DAYS."

I suddenly can't wait for Spring of 2011.

Cloudy With a Chance of Crap

Sigh.

Okay, so I think we can all agree that this whole "taking all the symbols of my childhood and raping them for profit" thing has gone way too far. Granted, the poster for Where the Wild Things Are (below) looks pretty awesome.



But for every WtWTA, there's a Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. The just-released trailer is over here.

How horrendous does this look? Let's put aside the idiotic 3-D whatever for right now (hell, that deserves its own post) and just look at it from the point of view of a child and/or adult who's read and loved the book:

The whole point of kids' books is that they look awesome. Cool illustration is what separates the Animals Should Definitely Not Wear Clothings from the...Well, I can't think of any crappily illustrated children's books off the top of my head, but I'm sure there are plenty out there. Once you take away the unique style of illustration (something Spike Jonze appears to not be doing, thank God), you're left with...a story. A story that is very, very thin on plot. And while a lack of plot sometimes works for books (coughmostofTwilightcough), that's really hard to get away with in a movie. So, the director comes up with a plot. This plot is usually banal and overdone (The Cat in the Hat, anyone?), and the entire experience turns out to be no different from any other crappy kids movie (see: most animated movies not produced by Pixar/Pixar alums).

So why not just...let sleeping books lie? How about we come up with a rule that says, "If you have to invent a plot that is not contained in the source material (be it children's book or game), you're not allowed to make that movie"? Yes?

I watched the Watchmen...

...And I liked it.

Of course, in this situation, it would have been very hard for me to not like it. My friend Joe had been trying to get me to read Watchmen practically since I met him, so once I saw the second theatrical trailer, I figured I'd give it a try.

It took me a bit longer than usual to get through the book--it's not very long, but the density and complexity of the story's structure takes a while to adjust to. Upon finishing it, I believe my thoughts were "Jesus Christ, how much bleaker can you get?" and also, "I'm going to need to re-read this at least three more times." (As a side note, I also had Rorshach's narrative voice in my head, which, since I'm not a psychotic misogynistic masked vigilante, was unpleasant.)

So, after seeing that trailer, reading the novel, then watching a bunch of footage, I was pretty freakin' excited. Not even the lukewarm (or negative) reviews could dampen my spirits. And you know what?

It was exactly what I wanted. Granted, the ending lacked the utter, blood-drenched terror I was hoping for, and Malin Akerman was awful but whatever. The attention to detail was spectacular, Jackie Earle Haley rocked the shit out of Rorshach, and I think I might pitch an amusement park based around the ride, "Dr. Manhattan's Blue Dong of Doom."(Would that not be an awesome ride?)