On Midtown

Thoughts on a morning stroll through midtown today:

• I'm used to spring being winter-lite in Chicago, but isn't New York supposed to be warmer than 34 degrees in the middle of April?
  
• Everyone coming out of Grand Central during rush hour looks absolutely miserable. I'd love to see those "Free Hugs!" people from Union Square try out their schtick in Grand Central. Best case scenario: Grouchy commuters become less grouchy. "Worst" case scenario: Someone gets punched in the face. There is no bad here.
  
• Wearing absurdly tall heels and then walking from 40th and 5th to 60th and 3rd is not, perhaps, the best idea. Not a bad workout, though.
  
• If you are a potential employer, why would you ask a potential employee to bring her resume and then make her fill out a six-page application in which you list all the information on your resume? Is this not horribly inefficient?
  
• I officially crossed the line into Grammar Nazi territory when I actually erased an erroneous apostrophe from a sidewalk sign. Though in my defense, it was fairly egregious: "New Yorker's Don't Like Waiting!" I don't have a "Don't Like Waiting;" do you, bitch?
  
• Since when is breakfast over at 10 a.m.? I call bullshit.
  

New Word!

Thank you, MTA, for bringing scratchiti into my daily vocabulary.

On Egregious Advertorials

So, you think Ben Silverman will give this Adam Stotsky guy his own set of chimes? Maybe one of Silvertooth's cubs?

(Seriously, though. "Today's consumer is sophisticated enough to pick up on these things"? What consumers have you been talking to? Because the last time I checked, there were a whole lot of stupid people running around in this world. People are, by and large, dumb. Take a look at the ratings for Two and a Half Men and compare them to those for 30 Rock, then talk about how "sophisticated" consumers are today.)

On Privileged Children

Okay. It is one thing to take a fictional world (i.e. Gossip Girl's UES; The O.C.'s...Orange County) and turn it into a reality series (MTV's Laguna Beach; and now, apparently, Bravo's NYC Prep). It is an entirely different thing to make your reality show the exact same thing as its fictional counterpart, which is precisely what they're doing on NYC Prep. No, seriously. Look at the bios.

(Side note: How stupid a name is that? You really couldn't come up with anything better, Bravo? I know The City was taken and all, but sheesh.)

My love for GG is well-documented. But this love mostly stems from the intricate plot threads that (...usually) weave together seamlessly, and from the well-developed characters. I mean, I'm starting to develop neutral feelings for Vanessa Abrams. Vanessa. Fucking. Abrams. And that is happening because the writers are making it happen. In real life, you don't often see those layers, and people don't generally change that much. The date-rapists don't evolve into caring monogamists over the course of just a few weeks; nice girls from Brooklyn don't throw yogurt at people's heads. (Okay, actually, that last one does happen in real life.)

So, the trouble you run into with a reality show--especially one where all your players are essentially ripoffs of characters on a drama--is that there is no reason to watch your show. Odds are these people are boring, and what drama they do have is probably not interesting enough to hold someone's attention for an entire half hour. So what you'll probably do is construct various situations for your cast which will be (marginally) more enthralling. However, they will not be nearly as well-written or engaging as the plotlines on the counterpart's show, so the audience will say, "Why am I not just re-watching season one of Gossip Girl?" and you will fail. (Hopefully.) Granted, it's not hard to top GG in the ratings, but still...What the fuck, Bravo?

Kings: For Whom the Chimes Toll

Well, NBC (SYLVERMAN!) has officially pulled Kings from Sunday nights. And replaced it with another hour of Dateline. Yeouch.

As though to pour a giant container of salt in this wound, NBC is going to run out the show's clock ("Hey, you got your football terminology in my TV commentary!") on Saturday nights, which is pretty cold. I wonder if Ben Silverman has a special dirge he plays on his chimes when he kills a show.

Granted, I didn't like Kings. Critics seemed to receive it well enough, but for me, it was all just too goddamn heavy-handed. Your protagonist's name is David Shepherd? And he's the son of Jess(i)e? And then he destroys a tank called the Goliath. OKAY. We. Get. It. At some point it stops being a Biblical allusion and turns into an overwrought Sunday school lesson. Also, apparently everyone loved Ian McShane's performance, but all I saw was some intense scenery-chewing.

(To be fair, I did like the "gay Crown Prince" plot, and not just because I love Sebastian Stan. It was a ten times more poignant than any other storyline on the show.)

So, what's next on the chopping block over at 30 Rock? My guess is Southland.

Hey, CW? Can you just mosey on over here for a sec? We need to talk.

Look, we all know you've had it pretty rough the last couple years, what with just being created and all. And it's not like you inherited any ratings giants (when Cuidado Con El Angel is outperforming your shows, you know you're in trouble). But I think it's high time you embraced your status as a niche network. A niche network for teens (and "grown-ups" like me who still have that adolescent mindset). Granted, the "revival" of 90210 is both a critical and ratings failure, but everyone seems to have high hopes for the Melrose Place revival, and Gossip Girl is truly transcendent.

However, like a couple other nets with shows that tend toward niche audiences (Fringe being the first one that comes to mind), you have fucked up intensely in your scheduling. I know things have been weird this year. February sweeps got moved, and you started your shows incredibly early.

I also know nets are panicking about having to have fresh programming all the time. So I get why you premiered your key shows so far ahead of everyone else. But for the love of God, stop fucking up the momentum of your shows.

There are shows with which you can get away with that sort of thing. But serial dramas? Momentum with those is meant to build up over the course of an entire season. This is why the first season of Veronica Mars was so fantastic--besides a few "mystery of the week" eps, everything built to this wonderful climax at the end of the season. But when you put Gossip Girl on hiatus for months at a time, then show three new eps, then put it on hiatus for another month before showing the last couple eps? That ruins the effect considerably. I can't believe I'm actually writing these words, but...Try taking a page out of Fox's book. (I know, I know.) Instead of dragging your shows out over a nine-month period, just run everything straight through. 22 episodes all at once.

Boom. You are welcome.

The Ocho

I love reading stories about Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco. Seeing a phrase like "According to Ocho Cinco's contract" never fails to bring a smile to my face.