Skaters to the Left

A Guide to Ice-skating at Rockefeller Center

The temperature has finally dipped to acceptable ice-skating levels (anything above 45 just feels wrong), Christmas music is blasting from at least one shop on each block, and that giant-ass tree at 30 Rock has finally been lit. Being filled with the holiday spirit, you naturally want to shell out a hojillion dollars to skate at Rockefeller Center's rink. Before you do, here's a guide to the types of people you will encounter on the ice:

1. The Asshole Figure Skater
Why this guy chooses this particular rink and not, say, anywhere else in the known universe is a mystery. He usually has his iPod on and either works on his tricks in the center of the rink or skates backwards around confused families and generally causes mayhem, because God forbid he interrupt his very serious training because some little nipper has faceplanted in front of him.

Annoyance Factor: 6

2. The SuperCouple
Despite the fact that skating while holding hands doesn't actually provide any stability, these people will never uncouple, even when his partner accidentally pulls him down with her and creates a giant clusterfuck. They'll pick themselves up and continue inching around the rink like the saddest game of Red Rover ever played, and then stop to make out for a few minutes. Yes, do please rub it in, guys.

Annoyance Factor: 4

3. The Littlest BAMF
In theory, you should hate this child. He zips around in his tiny hockey skates without a care in the world, throwing caution to the wind: backwards, forwards, sudden stops; the whole shebang. But you can't hate him, because he is a total badass. Even when he wipes out, he immediately hops back up and continues zipping around, not unlike an electron. Plus, he's usually wearing some sort of adorable hat and mittens.

Annoyance Factor: 0

4. The High School Kids From Arkansas
You'll know them by their letterman jackets and school hoodies. They've either never been skating or they've been skating their entire lives. The latter do everything in their power to coax the former off the handrail so they can laugh at the former's spectacular pratfalls. At any rate, they're usually more interested in stopping to take a frillion pictures than making their way around the rink. Each one has her own persnickity camera that takes five minutes to explain, and each one wants multiple group shots. Be prepared to spend at least fifteen minutes of your life helping these people collect memories if you fall victim to their Picture Ponzi Scheme.

Annoyance factor: 7

5. The Worst. Parents. Ever.
It must be tough to learn your child has no athletic gifts whatsoever. Being extraordinary clumsy myself (on land), I can sympathize. However, you might want to re-think the whole "skating" thing when you see your poor kid can't move a foot without taking a nasty spill. All this does is create a clusterfuck even greater than the SuperCouple's, because now you have both parents (usually just as inept as their progeny), the kid, the kid's siblings, and the Ice Lifeguards all creating a potentially epic pileup every two feet. Furthermore: For the love of God, teach your kids to ball their fists when they fall. Nothing dampens the holiday spirit like an eight-year-old's severed fingers.

Annoyance Factor: 8


There are other types I've missed, I'm sure, but this should serve as a good starting knowledge base.

On the Emmy Noms

THEY'RE HERE! THEY'RE HERE! Oh boy oh boy ohboyohboy!

Oh. Boy.

Look, I'm not one of those people who constantly rails against the mob nature of our society. I do think it's silly that some of the real quality shows on TV go largely unwatched, but I have a basic sense of how the world works, and that's fine.

But the Academy has seriously lost its brain. Again. SOME MORE. These people are supposed to love TV just as much as I do...Or at least know as much about it, if not more. And they go and nominate Tony Shaloub again for Best Actor in a Comedy?! Guys. You made the right call kicking The Piv the fuck out of the nominations--and I'm grateful for that because, seriously?--but there are so many others out there that are deserving. Shit, I would rather see Josh Radnor in there, and he's not even the best part of How I Met Your Mother.

(It is nice to see HIMYM get some love, though. Best Comedy! NPH as Best Supporting in a Comedy! I like to attribute this love to the fact that I started watching the show a month ago. Also, Dr. Horrible is nominated for an Emmy. Awesome.)

Funny that Kiefer gets a nod only for 24: Redemption, but I would have been more than happy to see him out of Best Lead in a drama if that meant EDWARD JAMES OLMOS would make it in. But no. ZERO Battlestar Galactica love, which is absolutely unacceptable at this point in time. Not to shit all over Simon Baker, because he is hotter than a young sun, but...Over Olmos? Really, voters? Same with Mary McDonnell. This was perhaps the best season yet for her character, and...nothing.

Continuing with the appalling Drama nonsense...No Connie Britton or Kyle Chandler? Get rid of Mariska Hargitay (sorry, Mariska; nothing personal, I assure you) to make room for Britton, and Simon Baker or Hugh Laurie for Chandler. THE HAIR DESERVES ITS DUE. (Laurie is amazing, don't get me wrong, but we get it, already.) And to leave the show out as well? Take Dexter out; the third season still didn't live up to the greatness of the first, and Friday Night Lights had a fantastic season. Furthermore, get House the fuck out of there and put BSG in.

The writing and guest-acting noms are a little screwy as well. Four episodes of Mad Men seems like a little overkill, no? And three of the guest comedy noms are for 30 Rock.

...


Guys, is 30 Rock the Will & Grace of the Emmys, now? Oh, God. RUN, TINA. RUUUUUUUUUUN!